Identity
opinions, spiritual beliefs, sexuality and gender
flaws
While kintypes do have past life associations, they're also important pieces of my present. Pages are focused around current life relevence.
Core pieces
Tenma Kenzou - Monster
Human
Rock - Black Lagoon
Other lives/selves
Still me, but not a current core component
John Watson - Yuukoku no Moriarty
Pearl - SU
Matsuda Touta - Death Note
Associations
More of a surface level symbolic identity.
Accipitridae / Falconidae
Dogs as a concept
ValuesThese are values I associate with my identity, and actively work to embody in my life.Optimism
Perserverence
Caregiving | Paternity
Chivalry
Empathy
Tenma Kenzou - Monster
The self I idealize and strive to embody - Sometimes to my own detriment, but thats something I'm working on.Tenma represents my morality and compassion and how I try to live by them. Nobody is too "evil" for me to consider a person, "monsters" only exist in that some people apply the label to themselves. People are not good or bad, but their actions can be. Everyone can change. I would rather guide towards change with compassion than condemn, confine, isolate or eradicate.He also represents my pull towards people who are nihilistic, unwell, or morally corrupt. The attraction to righteousness in danger over peaceful ignorance.And what good is there to me and my values if I dont bring good to others? How can I fault the world for being unjust if I don't do what's in my power to make it better? This is still a mindset that weighs on me.
This one is pretty self explanatory.To any nonkin Im sure this section seems silly. But many in my circles don't identify with (or like) humanity.I consider myself humankin, if I was any other species I would feel I was meant to be human. I also love humanity, even the people I hate on a personal level I still feel love for through our shared humanity.The art I made for this icon uses the brain and heart symbolism mainly because I'm fond of it, but I also thought it was good symbolism for humanity's relationship between relatively advanced intelligence and our emotions/feelings/instincts.
Rock - Black Lagoon
This is the self I feel the closest to in this life.Rock embodies my moral complexity and intense attraction to those who stand opposite to my morals and behaviour. As well as the draw to danger, chaos and freedom, with all the hardships it brings.What use is there in being "good" in a good place?
If you're going to play Robin Hood, you might as well go where you're needed.I like to stand beside those who differ from me, I like to play the role of a good influence - But a deeper truth is I just love them, and I love being among them. I also like the challenge - The way they test my character in high-stress situations. Trying to find a way to be true to myself in difficult circumstances.My inability to pick a side; to live in twilight.
John Watson - Yuukoku no Moriarty
Really represents my relationship with Tyki well.Otherwise, John embodies the part of me who gets too lost in what I want to believe to notice the signs of things going wrong. Loving the moment too much to linger on those subtle red flags. The tendency to cling to love and optimism, but without the awareness of the whole picture to balance it out.An intense desire to do good, and to live happily, but lacking the awareness to have the desired impact on the people/relationships that matter most.Bittersweet regrets.
Pearl - Steven Universe
All of my kintypes rely on others to find their purpose in life, but Pearl represents it on a more intimate level. The codependency, the attachment issues, feeling lost without having direction in servitude. The deep desire to serve others, the satisfaction in doing so well.Then breaking free of that by latching onto fighting for what's right. Protecting people who are weaker, liberation, perserverence through oppression and defeat.Also of course caregiver things, education, caretaking.She also best represents my neurodivergencies.
Matsuda Touta - Death Note
Matsuda is similar to John, but worse. If John represents bittersweet regret, Matsuda represents the deep sense of dread when you realize you've made a very bad mistake, largely because you just didn't want to see the truth.Besides that, the sense of joy in serving, fatherly nature, lightening the mood to bring down tensions, the desire to believe the best in people.Optimism to a fault.
Sexuality
I'm pansexual with a preference for adult cis male sadists. I'm also an anti-c MAP.Attractions are not actions. I have no desire to hurt young people or fuck up our lives. My system also accepts my leadership on this topic.Links here for information on MAP things.If you want to be bothered about an aspect of my sexuality, I would redirect you to the hybristophillia and periphillia. I'm not a danger to others, but I like danger and fear. Its the core component of my sexuality.Masochist and Autobiastophile.I do some Caregiver/little dynamic stuff, I'm picky about this dynamic beyond surface level play.I'm alterous (meaning platonic feelings are similar to romantic feelings for me), I love all my friends.I'm poly and have a wonderful found family.
Gender
Agender as a base, man/male on top of that.I view gender as a construct. Sex is not a construct, gender is social expectations put onto sexes. I'm trans, I'm on hrt. If me being trans makes you mad, because I'm not "one of the good ones", then deal with it.Dysphoria has made our/my life difficult, and I still deal with it, but I don't believe its necessary to be trans.
This section is mainly to act as a warning to people interested in being friends with me.-Psychology/mental health/self help is a special interest for me, I talk about it a lot. This might be annoying.-I like to help, but I dont like to just listen to spirals and venting. Don't come to me to vent unless you expect solutions/suggestions/advice.-I will never affirm anything that seems like defeatism or a victim complex. Our system used to believe we couldn't do things we now know we can do, and I'm deeply uncomfortable risking enabling anyone else the way we were. I don't pretend to know what lives in anyones head, but I will prioritize my own comfort.-I have a very rich social life ontop of being introverted and mentally ill. Don't expect quick responses, expect days of silence when I'm feeling burnt out.-I have BPD and have triggers. I'm pretty good at managing this, but I WILL talk about my feelings. If you can't handle me communicating negative emotions, friendship will not work. Negative feelings will happen.-I try to be direct. I will say when I disagree. I will criticize. This doesn't necessarily mean I'm trying to argue. I just dislike keeping my opinions to myself.-Im a type one if you know the enneagram. lol
Tenma Kenzou. Spelled differently from source.I grew up in rural Japan, currently unknown location. I had a poor relationship with my biological family that shaped me into a very socially reclusive nature.Moved to Germany. I became a doctor, mainly because my father had been one. I wasn't truly serious about playing that role until my beliefs were tested, and I decided to be the sort of doctor I idealised.Without going into all details, I was presented with twins in a terrible state. I saved the boys life. We were all separated, and later I learned he was a killer who had caused so much suffering. This made me question everything.Johan both improved and ruined my life. I'm still bothered with how I handled the conflict and trauma. That I ever questioned my own beliefs and tried to kill him. I told myself that it was for the good of others. And to make up for the damage I had caused, in extending his life.The mindset of that period of my life disgusts me. It was wrong, and eventually I came to that conclusion.Thankfully, in our life, we got some happy years together. I was given a gift from Lunge, to handle the "story" as Anna and I wished. It was to make up for how he had wrongly chased me. Because of this, I was able to give them both a home. A chance to be a normal family, and happy.I always remained a bit distant from Johan, even when I lived beside him. I have many good memories of our time as a family, but I will always regret that I didn't open my heart.Our happiness didn't last forever. He did not make it to 30. I remained at Anna's side. I believe we found happiness again.
John Watson.I remember having a fairly pleasant childhood, but for whatever reason did not remain very close to my biological family. I believe we were on good terms.I was unsure who I was or what to be, I only knew I wanted to help others. I became a doctor and served in the army. I retired from this after a leg injury, and moved in as a roomate to Sherlock.For awhile, he gave my life solid purpose. I found life exciting by his side, and I wrote about our adventures together. Eventually publishing some of those writings.He was family to me, but I believed that was all that it was. He had feelings for me, and I wasn't aware until I became committed to Mary. Ultimately, my relationship with her is what drove him away. I didn't realize how I'd hurt him until it was too late, and its something I'll always regret.I worked as a doctor again in a small rural community.I spent the rest of my life with my wife and children, I was truly happy with them. We had a peaceful life together, filled with love. However I always missed the presence of my best friend. Life never felt as exciting as it did by his side.I remember being very proud of who my children became.
Matsuda ToutaI don't remember much of my childhood in this life. It's newer to me and I'm still exploring it. What I remember so far is a pretty typical Japanese family household.I felt very lost in this life. Seeking a purpose and putting that in the NPA. I was inspired by a few people, but mainly I looked up to Mr. Yagami (Soichiro).I would say the source gets most of this right for me. I dont think I was quite as silly. I was a little bit quiet, but a lot of what I said did not need to be said. Optimistic to a fault.The years the source covers were very heavy and tense. There was always a sense of overlaying dread and danger. But in that time there are still moments that make me smile to remember. At some point we had become an odd little family.I'm still coming to terms with the rest.
Moral code
Simply, I believe in optimism and empathy.I believe every person, no matter what they've done, is deserving of basic human compassion. No crime is great enough for me to consider someone beyond redemption or undeserving of love. I believe in not harming others, but I also believe that those who have are still deserving of compassion and understanding.I believe it is the duty of humankind to take care of our outliers, and guide them to improvement where possible. We have intelligence and empathy, we can use it for the better of us all.Nobody becomes better from alienation and hatred.Other general things:
I want a revolution. Probably somewhere around anarcho communist. Prison abolotion. Youth liberation. Anti-stigma regarding sexuality. Caring about mental health means caring about the people who express undersirable/unpleasant symptoms.
Links
MAP Resources has plenty of linked information
Article on the effects of MAP stigma
Reducing stimga means more MAPs get help
I'll add more here later on various things.
Spirituality
Disclaimer!I already know I'm unwell and delusional. I know spirituality is a coping mechanism for us - This doesnt invalidate our spirituality either. We can use it however we want, and if you care about childhood trauma survivors, other than just yourself, chill out.Spiritual escapism mixed with identity.
It's an effective coping mechanism for us, but is a problem when we over-rely on it.But its not inherently flawed, we find it helpful for managing stress, expressing self love, and also paraphilla related fulfillment that wouldn't be safe irl.---This is difficult to summarize for me, but close to multiverse. I believe in many universes existing all at the same time, potentially every soul existing in every one at once. Like layers to reality. I believe delusion can be a gateway to spirituality, but that isn't to imply spirituality isn't real. They are both stimultaneously equally real, like sides of a coin. You can pick your favourite - or choose to see the whole coin, and how one side influences another.Reality is a mixture of perspective (personal reality) and everything at once (collective reality). I believe in respecting the lenses through which one views reality. You don't need to understand something to respect it matters to someone else.I believe the theme of this existence is persistence of will over time. I also view life like a story you're actively writing, and yes, this is somewhat spiritual as well. Working with your circumstance and your will, and persisting so you can write your own influence into the story. I want to help accelerate the direction of the story to build a kinder world, a massive task that can only be achieved through many people coming together.Kintypes help me process complicated feelings, sometimes in the moment, sometimes by masking a this life trauma thing underneath an exotrauma thing. Sometimes they'll help me embody important lessons I need with me to get through a situation - Like when I'm confronted by an emotional threat. They also help me not lose myself to the endless stream of life.Im more than just my experiences in this life (though those have made me who I am now) I'm also a point of view, a sense of self. What exists inside me matters because what exists inside of every person matters.
I have a unique relationship with him in this life, living alongside him in the same brain. We're tied together in such a way I can't really describe. He's entirely his own, but he's also like my other half. We fulfill each other.No one will ever need me as much as he needs me. He feels like a divine purpose to me. To take care of him, and others around him. I haven't always succeeded, but I will always keep trying.I don't agree with him on many things, and I tell him often. Though he often simply exagerates for fun.For all his faults, he's probably the most beautifully (often tragically) poetic and romantic person I know. His love is double edged, but more than worth it.He was the first person to ever see me.
He's also the devil on my shoulder.You’re the cure
You’re the curse
You make it better
You make it worse
You’re my killer
And my Christ
But I’m the one twisting the knife
(My Love is Sick - Madds Buckley)Carrd
One of the first friends I made! Inspiringly creative. Fellow lover of linguistics and incest.He's very loyal, reliable and driven. Always a strong stable force and consistent perspective, someone I can trust even when things are difficult. I know I never have to worry about emotional disorder with him.Having Tark in my life is like a floral summer breeze. Warm, peaceful, reassuring and comforting.
I always feel at peace with him.
Ace of Wands
Dear friend, colleague of sorts, mentor, inspiration.An anchor in the storm during a very difficult part of my life. He’s helped me understand myself in new ways and held my hand through the scary times. We both strive towards the same better world.He’s a true kindred spirit, and my savior.
Also my therapist, unofficially.Did I mention he's a dork? He's like a walking MAP database and all he ever does is procrastinate and hyperfixate. He's never not procrastinating.Also he's really irriating sometimes <3
My endearing and strange little guy.He's full of curiosity and has an infectious sense of excitement, over the littlest things! He's a little mysterious and reclusive, also friendly and bright.He's already strong, but I think he's going to grow into one of the strongest people I'll ever know!
I'm happy I'll be here to watch it.Carrd
I'm going to write things for different members at some point, when I've gotten closer to more of them. As it is it would just be saying traits I like.There are a lot of traits I like about all of you, some shared and some not. But the experiences we've had together are far more important to me, and through that, all of you have always persisted. Always.Even when you're scared, or the truth hurts to look at- You perservere! You stand beside us, and you work towards your own growth. Not just for those you love, but for yourselves too. You've gotten a lot stronger, and I'm really proud of you all.I think you've always felt inferior, but soon you'll find the work you've been doing has already put you far ahead of others you used to look up to or fear.Getting to watch you grow is a privlege, and getting to stand beside you all is something dear to me. Some of you are my littles, but all of you are loyal friends.Carrd
Gemi was my first external friend.Its been awhile since I wrote this, and since then you've become more to me than I ever thought you would. My most stable and secure intimate relationship, despite the fact we're both insecurely attached with BPD.Even getting through difficult emotions with you feels easy. I don't feel like I have to act a certain way with you, I can just exist and know I'm already understood.Primary partner <3Carrd
Ridiculous and infuriating mouse child that I love. She is a handful but I'm kind of obsessed with her. Feels like the closest thing I have to a "twin flame" outside the system. Unrequited love </3